Foster Son, do you imagine the first time a child enters your home, with all his belongings contained in either a garbage bag or a small back-pack? One of the most significant and difficult choices that many families ever make is to accept a foster son. He arrives with fear, memories and hope which you can’t yet observe. You arrive with love, patience and many questions.
This guide takes you on the entire trip. First, you’ll learn how to get your heart ready and your home ready. Second, you’ll see what the first day, first week, and first few months typically look like. Third, you’ll find helpful, caring ways to build trust with the child; handle challenging behaviors; and support the child’s true recovery. Whether you’re a first-time foster parent or an experienced foster parent who wants to try something different, this article will give you a simple, human-focused plan.
Table of Contents
- Understanding What a Foster Son Carries With Him
- Preparing Yourself Before He Arrives
- Preparing Your Home and His Room
- The First 24 Hours: Setting a Gentle Tone
- The First Weeks: Routines, Food, and Sleep
- Building Trust and Attachment Step by Step
- Understanding Trauma-Based Behavior
- Discipline That Heals Instead of Hurts
- School, Friends, and Identity
- Working With Birth Family and Caseworkers
- Supporting Your Partner and Your Other Children
- Fostering a Teenage Boy
- Taking Care of Yourself
- Healing, Growth, and Goodbyes
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Final Thoughts
Understanding What a Foster Son Carries With Him
Before you are able to take in a foster child successfully, you will have to determine where he is coming from. Most children enter into the foster care system because of neglect, physical/sexual/emotional abuse, parent’s health issues (illness), substance abuse (addiction), lack of stable housing (housing instability), or family problems (family crisis). Regardless of why they are entering the system, most children experience loss. They lose their home, their daily routines, their schools, and at times their brothers and sisters, all on the same day.
The reason for this is that a foster son can be confused, upset, depressed, or even unusually quiet. Many boys are polite and withdrawn as a means to prevent getting into trouble. Other boys will act out as a way to create some sense of control over their lives and because they feel unsafe. Both types of reactions do not indicate that a boy is “bad” or “ungrateful.” Rather, both reactions illustrate a child who is doing what he can to survive in the most effective manner possible.
It can also be useful to keep in mind that boys are frequently taught that expressing sadness through tears or requesting assistance indicates vulnerability. Consequently, your foster child could potentially mask his grief with humor, silence, or anger. After identifying such behavioral patterns, attempt to view the root cause of the behavior and inquire, “What is he experiencing at this point in time?” By asking that single question, it will alter the manner in which you react to him for years to come.
In summary, remember that the goal of fostering is generally to provide a safe environment for the child and to help facilitate reunification with their birth family when possible. Thus, you are not being asked to be a parent figure. Rather, you are there to provide a bridge of safety and warmth during a challenging period of time.
Preparing Yourself Before He Arrives
In addition to the weeks of shopping for bedding and food, the most critical preparation for your trip will be done internally. Here are some of the ways that you can prepare yourself internally.
Learn about trauma informed parenting. Trauma affects the way a child’s brain processes stress, trust and emotions. Agencies provide many different types of training to help parents understand how to work with their children who have experienced trauma. There are also many different models for trauma informed parenting (like Trust Based Relational Intervention) that show parents how to create a relationship with their child prior to creating boundaries. Even a few hours of training will increase your confidence in parenting.
Review your expectations. Most new foster parents believe that a grateful child will quickly bond with their family. However, trust is developed over time. You may become upset if you anticipate receiving gratitude from the child. On the other hand, if you realize there is going to be a long period of adjustment for the child, then you can use patience as a response.
Openly communicate with everyone living in your household. All individuals residing with you will experience the effects of the incoming member. Thus, convene a family meeting to discuss who is arriving, the reasons why he requires a safe environment, and what shifts may occur in daily routines. Encourage questions, and provide truthful answers.
Gather data from your organization. Find out about his age, health requirements, school, allergies, preferred food items, and what he is known to have as triggers. Also, ask for the visitation schedule he has with his family and what the objectives are in his case plan. The more you know, the less guessing you’ll be doing.
Create your support network. Find a few individuals you know you can turn to for help with listening, cooking meals, or watching your kids during emergencies. When you’re able to rely on others, the burden of being a foster parent becomes less heavy
Preparing Your Home and His Room
A child’s room should be a safe, clean place that feels welcoming to him or her. Here are some simple ideas to help you create a comfortable space for your child.
- Keep things simple. A bed that has been made with clean linens, a pillow, a blanket, a light source (lamp), and some hangers will help make your room look nice.
- Offer a few options for him to choose from, such as allowing him to pick out his bedding or a poster for his room at some point in the future. Giving children options allows them to have some control over their lives, something that many foster children do not experience.
- Include items that provide comfort. A soft blanket, a small flashlight, a plush toy, or a low-wattage nightlight may assist your child in getting settled for sleep, particularly on the first few evenings.
- Keep the essentials stocked. Have new toothbrushes, shampoo, socks, underwear, and pajamas ready in some average sizes.
- Create a personal area for him. Provide him with an empty drawer and a shelf to store his personal items. This sends the message that “You belong in this area, and what you have is important.”
- Safety first. Lock all prescription drugs, cleaners, and firearms per your licensing requirements.
Think about the entire house. A child coming into your home after bedtime might not know how to find the bathroom; therefore, give him a gentle tour of the house. Post a basic schedule on the refrigerator for the child to look at and understand what will happen next. Predictability calms an anxious mind.
The First 24 Hours: Setting a Gentle Tone
The initial day can feel awkward for everyone. However, this day will set the tone for your relationship. You should not try to create an immediate connection. Instead, focus on helping him feel safe.
Greet the boy in a friendly manner without being over-the-top. Give him a big smile, tell him who you are and let him decide if he wants to start talking immediately or just sit in silence. Follow his lead.
Show him around. Give him a tour of the house (kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom). Point out locations of water, snacks, and towels. Let him know that if he gets hungry, he may eat at any time; many foster kids are concerned about being able to eat.
Tell them the basic rules of the house. For example, explain how much screen time they can have each day, what time they go to bed, and when they eat. Explain your rules briefly and kindly. An example would be: “In our home, we sit down to dinner together every night at 6:00 p.m., and if you need a snack before then, please ask!”
Some children will not unpack as long as they believe that they are going to be moving once again. Therefore, let your child take care of unpacking in his/her own time. Rather than telling your child to start unpacking right now, tell him/her, “When you are ready, I have made sure that your drawer is open for you.”
Ask him a couple of questions. Avoid asking about his history or family. When he feels comfortable enough to talk about himself, he will let you know. In the meantime, ask him straightforward, current day-to-day questions. For example: “What do you enjoy eating for breakfast?”
Prepare yourself for an uncomfortable first evening. Most boys find it difficult to fall asleep when they are in unfamiliar surroundings. Provide some illumination in the hallway, leave your bedroom door open slightly, and silently observe him. When he awakens from fear, remain tranquil and provide reassurance; however, do not force anything upon him.
The First Weeks: Routines, Food, and Sleep
The true effort will begin after the first day. In the first few weeks, a consistent schedule provides stability for the foster son.
Create a Predictable Routine
Children who have experienced chaotic lives will find safety in having their days follow the same pattern. As a result, you should wake him up at the same hour each morning, provide meals regularly, and establish a consistent sleep schedule. In addition, let him know in advance when things are going to change. For example, simply saying “Tomorrow we are going to go to the doctor after school” will help prevent unexpected events from causing fear.
Handle Food With Care
Children who have experienced hunger or neglect often find food has significant emotional value. Many boys will hide snacks in their bedroom, eat at a rapid pace, and/or resist trying new foods. Do not scold these behaviors; instead, use an understanding approach. An example of how to do this would be keeping a basket of snacks readily available to him. This action helps assure him that food will remain accessible.
In addition, let him help you cook when he is comfortable. Baking cookies or boiling pasta as a family can be an easy way to connect with each other, without having to feel pressured. As you continue to dine together, eating together will ultimately create a ritual that provides healing within your household.
Support Healthy Sleep
Sleep problems occur on a regular basis in foster homes. Sleep difficulties such as night terrors, wetting the bed and difficulty going to sleep may be seen, especially in older male children. Additionally, the child’s shame regarding the problem will typically increase the problem. Provide the child with a quiet place to sleep and a private area where he can deal with his feelings. Always have extra bed sheets available and clean those extra sheets quietly so as not to draw attention to the child’s issue. Do not make fun of the child or punish the child for having sleep-related problems. If the child continues to experience sleep-related problems after several weeks, contact the child’s pediatrician or mental health professional.
A soothing bedtime ritual will also help. For example, have a small warm snack, talk with him briefly, read a book together, or listen to soft music. These rituals will help him understand that night-time is a safe environment.
Schedule Medical and Dental Visits
Agencies will typically want you to have your first health checkup done at an early point. These visits are also good opportunities to discuss vaccines, vision, hearing and any ongoing needs. You should bring along all of your paperwork and be able to ask as many questions as you like. You should also create a notebook of your appointments, medications, and other observations. Creating good records makes things easier for you, for the agency and for any future caregiver should the need arise.
Building Trust and Attachment Step by Step
The basis for all successful healing relationships is trust. Trust cannot be demanded from someone; it develops as a result of numerous reliable, small interactions.
Be consistent with your words. When you state you’ll pick him up at 3:00, be there by 3:00. In case you find yourself unable to fulfill your word, explain clearly why and offer an apology. Through consistency over time, your reliability demonstrates to him that adults can be relied upon.
Be there for him regularly. Go to all of his games, school functions and doctor visits. When he appears unconcerned about what you are doing, your presence tells him that “You are important.”
The first step is to use connection prior to correcting. If he has a problem, use a soft voice, make eye contact while sitting down to be on his level, and say something short and understanding. Once he feels comfortable, then you can talk about the problem. By doing things in this order, you will find that many times you will avoid having a power struggle with him.
Spend 1 on 1 time. It may seem like a little, but 10 minutes of complete focus every single day could mean so much more than spending hundreds of dollars on a big event. Play a video game, shoot some hoops, take a walk, or simply watch him draw. You don’t have to speak. He just wants to know that you are there for him.
Respect the pace of his touching with touching. Some boys want to be held and hugged, but others will pull away from you when you try to touch them. Give him options for how he wants to interact with you (high-five, fist-bump, pat on the shoulder), and ask if it is OK to touch him. When you develop trust with him, it is very likely that he will want to show you love through physical affection.
Name your child’s feelings. Use simple statements such as, “It seems like today was tough.” This will help your child learn how to talk about his feelings.
Celebrate successes as they occur. Reward effort, as opposed to just the outcome. You can say to your child, “I noticed that you were able to wait so long,” or, “Thank you for washing the dishes.” Praise that is specific can help build a sense of self-worth.
Remember, as attachments move toward and away, a very good week may be followed by a particularly difficult one. The fact that this occurs should not indicate to you that you have failed. It simply indicates that he is checking to see if you will remain with him.
Understanding Trauma-Based Behavior
Fostering teaches us how to understand that children communicate their feelings through their behaviors. If a child cannot tell you “I’m afraid,” he/she might express this fear by slamming doors, lying, or shutting down. When we learn what a child is trying to tell us through his/her behavior, we can respond to the child with appropriate wisdom.
Common Behaviors You May See
- Anger and outbursts. Anger often masks fear, grief, or helplessness.
- Lying. Many children lie to prevent punishment, and that is what protected them from harm in previous homes.
- Stealing or hoarding. Past scarcity can create a strong need to secure items.
- Withdrawal. Some boys go quiet to protect themselves from more hurt.
- He wants to find out where your limits are. To determine whether you’ll turn your back on him as many people have.
- One day he wants to be close to you and the next he pushes you away.
- When under pressure, people may regress and use younger behaviors like baby talk or bed-wetting.
How to Respond
The first thing to do is remain calm. This will help to regulate the child’s nervous system. Second, use a quiet voice, make sure that you are moving slowly and give the child some space if they seem to need it. After the child has calmed down, discuss with the child what occurred, without making the child feel guilty.
Instead of asking someone why they did something, consider saying, “That seemed very difficult. How were things going for you?” This allows the person to be open with you and not feel threatened.
Furthermore, learn what sets him off. There are several triggers for him — smells, sounds, times of day, and even when he sees relatives can evoke painful memories. By tracking his triggers, you can help him prepare for these difficult situations and support him through them.
If a behavior is threatening, scary, or too much for you to handle, get help now. There are many ways to receive assistance from your caseworker, your therapist, and your organization’s crisis line. Reaching out for support indicates that you are a strong person, not a weak one.
Discipline That Heals Instead of Hurts
Traditional punishment may cause a child who has experienced trauma to relapse into previous fearful behaviors. Examples of traditional punishment include: yelling, shaming, isolating the child, and removing their access to food. Many organizations do not allow employees to use physical forms of punishment. As a result, when working with children who have experienced trauma, focus on guiding the child to learn from their mistakes rather than punishing them.
In order to set expectations for your child that are easy for them to understand, make sure they are clear and direct. Use short, simple sentences to explain what is expected. An example of a simple expectation would be to tell your child, “We use kind words in this house.” This sentence is much easier for a young child to comprehend than telling them, “Behave yourself.”
Use natural and logical consequences. When he leaves his bike outside, he may lose bike time the next day. Ensure that the consequence is related to the behavior and has a short duration.
Give options. Options help decrease struggles for control. For example, ask, “Do you want to do your homework right away or do you want to have a snack first?” Both answers meet what you need to happen, but the child will feel valued.
Instead of using punishment, try giving your child a “calming break.” A designated area where he can read, use a stress ball, or listen to music on headphones will give him time to calm down. Let him know that you are offering him support rather than sending him away.
When there has been a difficult time, re-connect with your partner. Apologize for your errors, and let him know you continue to care about him. The repair process will show him that your relationship can endure conflict.
Ultimately, establishing consistent and loving boundaries provides children with a sense of security. They learn that despite their difficulties, adults will remain composed and equitable.
School, Friends, and Identity
Stress or support for a foster child can come from school. A foster child may lose ground educationally because of changing schools quickly and/or feel like a stranger.
Support His Education
Meet his teachers and counselors as soon as possible. While being mindful of your child’s right to privacy, share some of what you know regarding his needs. Inquire about the availability of special education services, tutoring, and/or counseling. Additionally, develop a calm study area for your child with snacks, school supplies, and few distractions.
When your child is struggling to learn, be patient. Celebrate every step forward your child makes, and never compare your child to other children. Most foster boys make great strides in their education when they are able to settle into a consistent environment.
Encourage Friendships and Activities
Faith based organizations, sports, music, scouting, art clubs, etc., can be used to help connect him to others. Find out what he likes to do, and give him a few ideas of things to try. A small thing like playing in your local neighborhood basketball game can help increase his self esteem and create a sense of being part of a group.
Protect His Privacy
He does not need to tell other children that he is in foster care. Let him choose who he shares his living situation with. Give him a simple, easy to use answer, like “I’m staying with the Smith family for now.”
Honor His Identity
Respect your foster child’s culture, family history, and name. Understand who your foster child was prior to coming into your care. Cook meals that are culturally relevant to your foster child, if possible. Provide opportunities for your foster child to connect with his/her heritage and community. Use the name and pronouns your foster child prefers. Do not refer to your foster child as being lucky to be in your home, nor do you want him/her to feel indebted to you. Your foster child is entitled to dignity, not a debt.
You might find life books useful too. He could collect photographs, illustrations and mementos to keep a record of his life journey no matter how far he travels.
Working With Birth Family and Caseworkers
A team provides support for foster care. The caseworker, therapist, guardian ad litem/court-appointed advocate, teachers, and birth parents of your foster child each provide some level of support to him.
Respect His Birth Family
No matter how bad some of the decisions his family made were, they are still a huge part of who he is. Show respect when talking about his family in front of him. Children will think that if you criticize their parents then you must be criticizing them. Your neutral and kind attitude towards his family allows him to express his love for all of them without feeling guilty.
Your agency can allow you to make in-person visits and/or call him. Expect to see strong emotions after each visit. He might be very quiet, angry, or hyperactive. You will need to give him some time, provide him with comfort, and establish a consistent routine for the evening.
Communicate With Caseworkers
Report any major events such as your child’s health issues, problems at school, and/or changes in behavior. Be sure to document these occurrences and then use those notes to discuss them with the caseworker during regular check-ins. You should also ask the caseworker about your child’s court dates and his/her case plan. The more informed you are about the process, the more effective you will be in advocating for the child.
Advocate Calmly
Sometimes systems move slow and making a decision is difficult. No matter what, always maintain professionalism, and focus on what’s best for him. If you disagree, schedule a meeting to discuss your concerns, write them down so you don’t forget anything, and ask him what he needs from you. Typically, working together rather than fighting each other is the better option.
Supporting Your Partner and Your Other Children
Fostering affects the entire household, so tend to every relationship.
Partner. Share the work and stay in touch. Fostering is hard work and may put pressure on even the most stable relationships; make sure you have scheduled times to discuss how you feel, rather than just what needs to be done.
Prepare your children (biological or adopted) for changes to how much attention they will receive, where they can spend their free time, and what their daily schedules may look like. Let them know that you still love them and value them. Also, provide individual time for each child each week. It is common for children to experience jealousy, protectiveness, and/or confusion when new siblings are introduced into the family unit. All of these feelings are normal.
Children’s safety is of the utmost importance. Instruct every child on what constitutes appropriate levels of privacy, how far they can go with their own bodies (personal boundaries), and what is acceptable conduct towards others. Also, ensure that young children receive the proper supervision based upon the standards established by your agency.
Family culture. Include your foster son in all family traditions; however, let him choose not to participate if he is overwhelmed. Eventually, he will likely change his vocabulary from “your” to “our,” as an indication that he feels like part of the family.
Fostering a Teenage Boy
Teenage males in foster care typically have additional difficulties as they have been through longer periods of loss, and fewer individuals advocate for them. However, when a teenager is supported by someone who believes in them, they can excel.
Let him have control over his own life. Young adults want freedom. Provide options for what he wears, how he cuts his hair, the types of music he listens to, and the way he decorates his bedroom, but in a safe environment.
Respectful of his privacy, knock on his door prior to entering his space, and only read his communications if you must due to safety concerns and adhere to the guidelines provided by your organization.
Many teenagers find it easier to communicate with their parents when they are engaged in an activity such as driving, walking, or playing a video game rather than having a conversation in front of one another.
Teach life skills. For example, cooking, budgeting, laundry, job applications, and driving lessons are all ways to help prepare him for adulthood. Many foster youth leave the system at age 18 (age out), therefore, these skills are extremely important.
Discussing difficult issues such as dating, social media, drug/alcohol abuse and consent in a non-judgmental, calm way can help facilitate open dialogue with your child.
Commitment. It is common for teens to try to see if adults will abandon them. Tell him that, “Even if we are going through tough times, I will be with you.”
First and foremost, let him know that even when he is no longer considered a minor, there will still be someone who loves him and wants to support him. Knowing that can be what turns a young person’s world upside down.
Taking Care of Yourself
As you would never try to pour something out of an empty cup, foster parents often experience compassion fatigue, stress and grief (especially when the behavior of the child they care for is severe, or if the child leaves their home). To prevent these feelings from occurring, start by protecting yourself as soon as possible.
- Rest intentionally. Sleep, exercise, and healthy meals help you stay patient.
- Respite care is available through many different organizations and will provide you with a break to help you restore yourself. Don’t feel guilty about accepting this type of assistance.
- Become part of a support system. No one else has the ability to comprehend your happiness and challenges as a foster parent, as other foster parents can.
- Seeking assistance from a professional is recommended when you need it. A counselor can assist you with processing loss, stress, and challenging feelings.
- Spend time with friends, hobbies, and your spouse to maintain a healthy relationship.
- Practice being compassionate towards yourself. When you make mistakes, instead of being critical of yourself, tell yourself you are still learning, and that you can correct the mistake.
When you take care of yourself, you also show your foster child how to cope with life in a positive manner. Your child will learn that adults can set boundaries, seek assistance from others, and maintain their love for him/her.
Healing, Growth, and Goodbyes
Healing is rarely a linear path. There are days when your foster son is laughing during dinner, and he asks for seconds. Other times, he does not want to talk. These are both parts of his healing journey.
Look out for little indications of advancement. He might begin opening up his door, sharing a humorous story with you, requesting your assistance with something, and wishing you a good night without being asked. Even though these actions seem minor, they show that he trusts you.
With the help of professional support, a child’s recovery can be accelerated. Children can use therapies like trauma-focused counseling, play therapy, and family therapy to work through painful experiences safely. You should work closely with your child’s therapist to determine how you can reinforce the skills being developed in therapy at home.
When a Placement Ends
Foster care is a process of saying goodbye. Boys can go back to their parents, live with other family members, or get adopted. Although there are times when things turn out great, it’s possible to experience deep sadness. Your sadness shows how much you cared about him.
To make the transition gentler:
- Prepare him early. Share timelines honestly and in age-appropriate ways.
- Celebrate how far he has come. Tell him about what he has learned, what he remembers, and how strong he is now.
- Give him some peace. If possible, send pictures of his family/friends/etc., his life history/diary/etc., and some of his other small items that are acceptable to the facility.
- If possible, stay in contact. If both agencies and families are willing to do so, cards, calls, or visits may be able to maintain connections.
- Let yourself grieve. Speak with those on your support network, and allow yourself time prior to accepting a different placement.
You may not always see the entire picture of what your love will accomplish. However, by providing a stable environment, an engaged adult, and a seat at the dinner table for a young person; these are three simple things which will allow them to develop in ways you could have never imagined.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take for a foster son to feel at home?
Children vary greatly. While some boys can settle in after only a few weeks, other boys may require several months to adjust. Factors such as past experiences, current age, and continuing contact with family members will affect how long it takes for a boy to become acclimated to his new surroundings. Rather than focusing on quickly adjusting to the new environment, focus on being consistent.
What should I do if my foster son refuses to talk?
Maintain your composure and continue to invite him into connections with you, but do so with no pressure. Offer snacks, share experiences with him, and let him know that he can reach out to you at any time. Silence can turn into communication over time. If this persists, bring it up with his therapist or caseworker.
Should I call myself his “mom” or “dad”?
Let the child choose. While some children will begin using their parents’ names immediately, other children will want to call you by your first name. Please follow what makes the child comfortable and do not force the child to use labels which could cause a conflict of loyalty to their biological parents.
How do I handle lying or stealing?
These behaviors are frequently caused by fear, or previous scarcity. When responding to these behaviors, do so in a calm manner, do not use shame, and concentrate on finding solutions. If he steals, replace the items with him, and make sure that he has constant access to food, and his own personal items. If the behavior continues, you should discuss this pattern with his therapist.
Can I take my foster son on vacation?
Generally yes, however you should contact your agency prior to taking any action. Most agencies will require an approval process, paperwork and notification before allowing you to take an out of state or international trip.
What if I feel overwhelmed or want to stop?
First, ask your caseworker for help. Many problems can be helped through education, short-term care (respite), or counseling. After talking to your agency about whether or not the placement will work out, if you continue to believe that the placement is unsafe or unsustainable, then you should consider making a plan to move the child. A well-planned transition is in everyone’s best interest.
Final Thoughts
Welcoming a foster child requires much of you. It will require you to be patient as your child’s trust builds slowly; it will require you to have courage when your child exhibits difficult behaviors; and it will require you to be humble when you make errors. However, welcoming a foster child also gives you an amazing opportunity to teach him that he is safe, valuable, and deserving of being loved.
As you continue to move forward, please keep in mind what is essential. Prepare yourself and your home, maintain consistent routines, establish connections prior to correcting, respect his family and who he is as an individual, and take care of yourself as you go. You do not have to be perfect. All you need to do is continue to show up over and over again.
If you’re thinking of becoming a foster parent, reach out to your community’s agency and inquire regarding available resources (training and support). If you have begun the process of becoming a foster parent, continue. One day, a young male could reflect upon his time spent in the location that provided him a sense of security for the first time; and this recollection would begin with you.
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